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Been a while…

Some days I feel like I don’t exist anymore… and in some ways I suppose I don’t.  I am not the girl I was  years ago… I am not the woman I was a few months ago.  I am changing all the time.  For the longest time I fought that tooth and nail…I thought that was a bad thing.  I thought that changing meant I was losing a piece of myself ~or worse ~ all of myself.  I thought I would not be me anymore.  Turns out – I wasn’t.  But that is ok.  I began this blog to journal my healing journey.  I have been runnin’ a lot lately.  I have been hidin’.  I have been sneakin’ around hidin’ behind syntax and proper grammar.  I have been flowerin’ up my language and tryin’ to be proper.  Truth is, I am so angry.  I am so dang mad I could scream…and have!  I have screamed, cried, prayed… I have felt lost and confused and abandoned.  I have felt needy and weak.   It feels like the deeper I dig the more junk I find and I feel like I will never be ‘done’.  Like I will always find more junk to dig out and toss away.  My current list – well, it’s loooong – but I am working on it.

I found someone in my family decided to throw away a 20 year marriage, he has just thrown it away and utterly failed his wife and son.  He has been cruel and abusive and I am so disappointed in him.  He hurls insults and he is so hateful.  I doubt I would even recognize him anymore.  Not that we are close.  Those days are long over.

I am still working on my trauma therapy, having been beaten, raped, molested, abused…I just want to live, you know?  To really live.  I find myself tiptoeing around – literally.  I find myself trying to make myself small and not to be a bother.  I find myself waiting on the pain to rain down on me.  It is killing me.  It is killing my marriage.  My husband married me, but got this docile, hiding, timid woman instead.  I don’t even know who I am some days.

I am … well, not thriving… but hoping to thrive.  I am tired of living on bread and water when there is steak and wine.  I am ready to have my heart feast instead of hide.  I want to swim in the ocean of emotion … swim, and possibly, drown.  But I am ok with that.  I don’t want control anymore.  I want to be lost.DSC_0167



Hi, my name is Becka and I am codependent.  I got a chip at my first CoDA meeting and I am taking things one day at a time.  I am step by step journeying back into my life ~ breaking free of this disease and learning to be healthy and whole.   I know I have a long uphill battle ahead.  I know this won’t be easy.  This codependency has seeped its way into nearly every aspect of my life and the depths of my mental illness has permeated me to my very core.  I go days, sometimes, feeling nothing at all.

Numb…such a hateful four-letter word.  I used to think it equated to safety but now I see it for what it is.  The destroyer of all my humanity.  My empathy, compassion, warmth, silliness, passion, anger… all faded to apathy and numbness until my world was all grey and I forgot what color looked like… what color felt like.  I forgot what love felt like, what warmth felt like… I even forgot the fierce red heat of anger, I forgot the beautiful blues of sadness and all the vibrant hues of desire.

I found the stair-case…now I am climbing out… Becka-Dragon Girl… hear me roar…



My heart is racing… half fear, half excitement. I am on the cusp of a decision that will change our lives and I feel the weight of that. I feel the wonder of that… I feel so much. For the last few weeks I have been drenched in feelings. I am alive with them, I am overwhelmed and entranced by them. I have gone my whole life quenching every emotion… I have carefully controlled my facial expression because to live in my emotions and to let them clearly show on my face and body language felt so dangerous to me… felt suicidal. I lived so much of my life just … just surviving… not REALLY living. I have just waited for death, waited for it all to end. Now pure energy is coursing through my veins in the form of every emotion I have not allowed myself to feel in over 30 years. I am dreaming… I am hoping… I am not worried about every thing I do, I a not afraid to make mistakes any more. So I am going to go with my heart…. This huge decision – this is going to be all heart… Now I just have to figure out what my heart wants.


I realized that I was spiraling down … well on my way to depression.  I have not done any of my fun hobbies in the last week… I have not practiced the guitar, I have not read, I have not journaled, hiked, taken photos, sketched… I have just been a lump…

I will not let this depression beat me…  I will do all the things I love.  I will cook… tomorrow I will get out and see something beautiful.  I will play guitar… I will live.  I have spent enough of my life just surviving.   I will break this cycle and live… I will be in my heart… I will live in my feelings…even if that means I spend my days in or near tears… All of my feelings are vital and important…  I don’t have to apologize for them anymore.  


Heat erupts, consuming…

Raw, dangerous…

Quickening, desperate, gasping…

I ache…craving…

And only you can satisfy.

Not okay

I am so not okay… I am not going to be okay any time soon.  I am broken and lost and hurt and angry… I am lost and confused… I am so very tired… Did I say “fine” when you asked how I was… ?  Don’t worry… I just don’t know how to say how I am.  I am… not okay.  I am… so very… so profoundly broken.  

I think of you a hundred times a day.  I think of things to say… thoughts float through my mind and with tears on my cheeks I discard conversation after conversation.  I am… adrift.  You wander through my mind… your smile, the sound of your voice, the brown of your eyes, the feel of your skin…  You occupy my heart.  


I find it so hard to stay in my heart – to stay in my feelings… My default setting seems to be numb.  I feel so awkward most of the time.  I feel so much – but it is buried so deep I appear vacant.  My heart hurts.   I am so tired and so broken.  I carry this horrible weight that threatens to suffocate me at times.  I feel at war.  At war with my pain, at war with my heart, at war with the terrible pull of numbness, addiction, alcohol…. at war with my faith and my anger… at war with my passion and my passivity.  I can feel in one moment like a giant, like a force to be reckoned with and in the next moment I feel like I am not even real and I give in to my despair.  I fear I will drown in it.  I know I am all over the place and this may not even make any sense… but there you are.  Pieces of me.  Broken, fearful, lost, anguished, angry, confused, passionate, apathetic… My heart is a patchwork of pain and pleasure….but honestly, mostly pain.  I ache.  I feel heavy with the weight of my broken heart…  


What is enough?  I am always feeling like I am not enough, like I do not have enough to offer… like I am not good enough, like I don’t work hard enough, like I don’t do enough… What is enough?  Is it just this ever changing goal line that I can never reach…?? Who decides what ‘enough’ is, anyway?


I have been fighting my tendency to hide from my emotions…  I have been fighting to stay in my feelings and stop hiding from them.  I have hidden from my heart for so long…  I have felt like a chameleon.  I have tried to give everyone around me what I thought they wanted… in doing this I have failed to just be myself.  I have learned and am still learning that what the people who love me really want from me is for me to just be myself.   How can anyone love me if I never give them a chance to know me?  What do I do if I never figure out who I am?  I am so afraid of this… I feel like I have spent my whole life running away from who I am…I have spent my whole life hiding… I have spent my whole life afraid.  I feel like I lost this fight today….   Today I hid in TV… I hid in food.. I hid in entertainment…  I buried my feelings and totally failed to sit in my skin.  I was all alone and there was no one to please but myself…and I still hid and ran away from my pain, my fear… I sat in numbness… I desperately hope (and plan) to win more battles in the future… I know this one failure is not me losing the war.  I can do this.  I passionately love… I passionately fear… I am passionately angry and I want to fight injustice.  I did not do anything to deserve the abuse and pain I endured – but I do have control and responsibility in how I react to that abuse and pain now.  No more running away!  I will FIGHT!  I am beautiful, I am fierce, I am worthy, I am loved.